The Relationship Newsletter

My client Kathy wants to know what’s normal in a relationship and what isn’t. Is it normal for her husband to spend inordinate amounts of money on his hobbies while she struggles to pay her half of the bills while she also does all the housework? “Should I expect him to be fair with me or not?” she asks.

Kathy’s mother was a drug addict so she is used to fending for herself while still taking care of others. Her expectations of others to be there for her are extremely low. So to her, her husband’s behavior seems normal.

“Normal” is whatever we get used to. So if your dad treated your mother with disrespect, then it seems normal for a man to do this to you. Watching others treat people badly that you love and/or having them treat you badly gives you low expectations for other relationships in your life. On the other hand, if you were daddy’s little girl and he (or your mom) spoiled you, being spoiled seems normal and your expectations in your relationship may be too high.

Many people believe it is normal for their mates to be critical or nagging with them. After all, our moms and dads did it, even our friends do it to each other. My client, Jim, was trying to decide whether or not to marry his finance who he felt he could never please. I suggested that he bring her in and work out that issue before he married her. He came back to me and said that all of his married male friends said not to worry about it because “wives are never satisfied – just get used to it!” They basically told him that her bad behavior is normal in marriage.

When I was in college and married in my early 20’s, my then-husband criticized me constantly. But my dad had criticized my mother as long as I could remember, so I thought it was normal for someone to love you, yet criticize you. Then I took my husband to a party with fellow counseling students. They were appalled and asked me why I let him talk to me like that. I said, “Like what?” It seemed so normal to me that I couldn’t even hear how abusive it was. My clients are now shocked when I tell them this story. They assume that I have always been strong, but I haven’t. I had to learn that my husband’s behavior was wrong, no matter how normal it seemed. I had to raise my expectations beyond my family’s, and communicate what I felt and wanted to my husband. I told him that I felt humiliated by the way he treated me, that I wanted him to stop criticizing me; I asked him to agree, and told him that if he didn’t, I would have to leave. It was many years ago that I left, and I now surround myself with people that would never treat me that way.

My client Samantha’s live-in boyfriend lost his job a few years ago, and she started picking up all their living expenses, as well as continuing to do all the housework. When he found another job, he told her he still wasn’t making much money, and she didn’t question him or ask him to contribute again. It’s been three years and she just found out that he has a huge savings account while she has a huge credit card debt! Is that normal to take advantage of someone like that? It seemed normal to her since she watched her mom cater to her dad’s needs her whole life, avoiding confrontation at all costs. When I told her that her “allowing her boyfriend to use her” was caused by her parents’ bad behavior, she immediately defended them. “But dad really loves mom!” she told me. It took her awhile to see what she learned from them: that being taken advantage of is okay as long as you believe he loves you.

It’s not just women who get taken advantage of using the excuse that their bad behavior is normal. Jacob’s wife convinced him that he should pay more of the household expenses even though they both made good money. She said it’s normal for a husband to be a gentleman and show love and respect by paying more. After all her dad did that for her mom (but of course her mom didn’t work). He agreed, bought her a new car, paid the mortgage, and then they split the rest of the expenses -- except when she was able to talk him into paying for trips, furniture, etc. He felt good about being such a good husband, and hoped that eventually she would start having sex with him again because of his “gentlemanly” behavior. Imagine his shock when she asked him for a divorce right after he got his Christmas bonus at work. But “giving while getting nothing back” is how Jacob spent his entire childhood, so spending years investing in a relationship that produced no return didn’t seem that abnormal to him.

Being treated badly, being taken advantage of, being shown no respect – all may seem normal to you because you are playing out your childhood legacy, but it is only “normal” in dysfunctional relationships. Your gut tells you when you are not being treated fairly. Maybe you put up with it because you’re afraid of confrontation or you feel bad about yourself and think you deserve the bad treatment. But deep inside you know you would never treat anyone that way – and that’s how you know it’s wrong.

What Should You Do?

It is your job to make sure that someone treats you fairly, whether he or she thinks their behavior is normal or not. People in general will get away with whatever they can. If you aren’t getting a fair deal in some area of your relationship, you are playing victim instead of resolving the problem. He or she probably doesn’t even know that you think something is unfair. He just thinks it’s normal that he has the guy’s over for football and leaves the mess for you to clean up. She thinks it’s normal that she nags you all the time about your bad eating habits. But they’re both wrong.

Use my 4 Steps of Healthy Communication to confront your mate on a behavior that may seem “normal” to him or her, but that you believe is unfair. You should expect to be treated as well as you treat your mate. But it’s your job to tell your mate if it’s not happening. And promise yourself, that from now on “normal” in all of your relationships will also mean “healthy.”

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Also, for articles on handling family issues, guilt, money problems, dating, how to stop fighting dirty, and 10 reasons you’re not married yet, go to my website.

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For articles on orgasms, why men leave, being single, Michael Jackson, when he doesn’t want sex, and jealousy, go to Examiner.com.

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