February 12, 2010

Tell Him What You Want for Valentine’s Day!

By Carolyn Bushong

Jan always fantasizes that Bob will remember Valentine’s Day with something really special, like a gold necklace or diamond earrings. That’s what her friend Suzie always gets from George.

But year after year Bob disappoints her. He often forgets until the last minute and then grabs a small box of chocolates or some grocery store flowers on his way home from work. Every year Jan feels disappointed and sorry for herself – and thinks Bob doesn’t love her.

We often build up great expectations that make sure we get disappointed. But it doesn’t have to work that way. There’s nothing wrong with wanting the moon, as long as women do two things: realize you might have to accept less, and make sure your desires are known.

But Jan thinks that if Bob loves her, he should remember on his own and do something really special. And that would be great, but many men just don’t think of it. Honestly, it doesn’t really make it “less” if you let him know what you want. It just helps him succeed in pleasing you.

Whether Bob loves Jan has nothing to do with his Valentine’s Day shortcomings. When he says he was too busy and forgot, it’s probably true. Although Jan might be at the top of his list, celebrating Valentine’s Day is near the bottom. It’s just not important to him. But it certainly is to Jan. That makes it her responsibility to let Bob know how important this special day is.

We set ourselves up for disappointment when we keep others in the dark about our expectations. If you want Valentine’s Day to be special, you can’t expect your partner to read your mind (even though you think he should know). Jan needs to tell Bob what she wants, and so do you. Suggest possibilities, i.e. “I’d like just the two of us to have a romantic evening alone with dinner and dancing. Will you set that up?”

If you want an expensive gift, hint by saying you need diamond ear rings to go with a certain outfit, or a necklace to wear to a special event. But be direct enough that he knows you would like it for Valentine’s Day. Maybe you’d be happy with flowers (if they’re not grocery story flowers), but want to be sure he doesn’t forget. Just say, “You haven’t forgotten that this Sunday is Valentine’s Day, have you? I’ll be disappointed if you don’t do something romantic. Please don’t let me down.”

Valentine’s Day can be a day of hearts and flowers instead of disappointment if you’ll just speak your mind and let your honey know what you want.

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“Marriage SOS”

Pick up FIRST Magazine for Women on March 1! Their series called “Marriage SOS” will feature me and a couple whose marriage I helped save, along with information on my book Bring Back the Man You Fell in Love With, in their March 22 issue (on the stands March 1). They are also interviewing my other couples for future issues.

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10 Love Secrets of Couples that Stay in Love Forever

By Carolyn Bushong

1. Make "having fun together" a priority. Work and children and every day life are all important issues, but "fun" is the glue that bonds two lovers.

2. Talk about the good times. Create good memories now, and then reminisce. Never forget why you choose to be with this person.

3. Don't keep secrets. Secrets erode the love and the trust. You can have private thoughts, but that's different than secrets from your mate. Here's a rule: don't share any information about him/her with others that you haven't shared with him/her first.

4. Think of your mate as your best friend. Then behave in this relationship like you do with true friends.

5. Give each other a break. People aren't perfect so allow for human error. Don't assume that your mate is trying to hurt you when he or she makes a simple mistake.

6. Celebrate your differences. Don't fight to be right. Differences create sparks between you (some of the sparks cause arguments, but others cause passion). Realize that men and women think differently, have different values, and behave in different ways. Show that you appreciate his or her quirks, i.e. "That's so cute, you're such a man!" Or, "I know you like things perfect, so it's okay that you're running late honey."

7. Make deals that work for both of you. When you're upset, state how you feel and what you want. Then compromise, finding joint solutions to those issues so they don't occur again.

8. Keep your own friends and hobbies. It keeps you interesting and less likely to be jealous of your mate's time and friends.

9. Make yourself happy first. It's a myth that it's a mate's job to make the other one happy, and it doesn't work. Instead, focus on your own happiness, making a deal that each of you will let the other know if and when there is a problem.

10. Focus on how much you are alike. Regularly make statements like, "It's amazing that we both like that, and that our mothers were both .., and that you feel that way too."

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Clients Speak

By Carolyn Bushong

Dear Carolyn,

Words alone are insufficient to express my gratitude towards you. Your advice and concern over the past couple of years have given me the tools to acquire what I have now: a wonderful, satisfying, secure life. I am pleased with myself, my looks, and my career. I used your advice to end an unhealthy relationship, and am now ready for a happy, productive, fulfilled life, with or without a man.

I followed your suggestions on a career problem and ended up negotiating a deal that set me up in a great office for one year, rent free. I also completely changed my relationship with a co-worker/lawyer I was working with. Instead of him being in a one-up position, using Carolyn-suggested communication and assertiveness, we are now equals and friends. Rather than be intimidated by his aggressiveness, I just counter-intimidate and tell him to shape up or shut up, depending upon the circumstance….AND HE DOES!!!

Thank you a million times over. You helped me find within myself and entirely new and better person. What a gift! I am so lucky to know you!!

~ L.B., Attorney, Kansas City, MO

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About Carolyn

Carolyn Bushong, L.P.C, is a Licensed Professional Counselor with 25+ years of experience working with people who want to solve personal issues, OR find a healthy romantic relationship, OR improve a relationship they are already in. She has authored and published 3 relationship books, and McCall's called her one of the top relationship therapists in the country.

Besides her successful private practice as a psychotherapist in Denver, Colorado, her credits include 4 appearances on the Oprah show, a segment appearance on the View (reviewing her book The 7 Dumbest Relationship Mistakes Smart People Make), and other television appearances too numerous to mention. Carolyn also has a radio show called Therapy Thursday on KYGO 98.5FM, Kelly & Rider’s morning drive time at 7:30 am in Denver, CO.

Carolyn helps clients all over the country, some who come into her office and others who receive Carolyn's expert advice through phone counseling. Carolyn Bushong is an excellent psychotherapist, but she also lives what she teaches, as she is in a happy, healthy relationship with Alan, her mate of 21 years. To find out more, go to her website at www.carolynsays.com.

For free articles on “What Women Want for Valentine’s Day,” “Love Secrets of Couples that Stay in Love Forever,” “Soul Mates,” and “Tiger Woods – Good Guy or Bad Guy,” and many more, go to www.Examiner.com.

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