April 12, 2011

Winning in Relationships

“Winning,” the term made popular by Charlie Sheen, is something we all want. But what does it mean to “win” in relationships? Of course it depends on what we want. To Charlie Sheen, winning in relationships obviously means having a woman available for sex whenever he wants one, whether he has to pay for it or not. On the other side, like a golddigger, winning in relationships is finding the richest man available and getting him to fall in love with her, whether or not she loves him back. But for most of us, these two extremes are not what we would call “winning in relationships.”

A real win for most of us would be to find someone we fall in love with who loves us back the same. We want someone who loves, adores, and respects us, and someone we feel the same way about. And then, real winning would be to keep that love alive forever. We would start out with our lover enjoying the primary years of our lives together, having fun, raising a family if we choose to, working hard in our careers, and then enjoying growing old together.

Why We Don’t Win in Relationships

1. We settle down with someone too soon and give too much. Whether we have married too young or simply jump into relationships too quickly, rushing a relationship will usually doom it, especially when you give up your identity, trying to please that person.

2. Couples blame each other for their unhappiness. My mother used to say, “I’d be happy if it wasn’t for your father.” Couples come into my office everyday blaming each other for their unhappiness. We decide in our heads how our mates want us to behave, and then blame them when it doesn’t work. Don’t assume what he or she wants. And your happiness is your own responsibility; no one else’s

3. We suffocate each other. Couples think they’re supposed to do everything together, like the same things, , think the same way, stay in touch constantly. Thinking this way stifles you and your mate’s individuality. Spending too much time together creates boredom, resentment, and a desire to get away from your mate.

4. We don’t speak up (in a healthy way) when we’re unhappy. No we can’t change our mate, but we can change the way he or she treats us. Women think they’re speaking up when they complain and bitch, but this is a far cry from telling your mate how you feel and what you want. Men often passively build a grudge and act passive/aggressive instead of saying what they’re feeling and what they want. It’s actually your job to try and change your mate’s bad behavior toward you before your resentment kills the love.

5. We don’t make our mate feel loved. When is the last time you gave your mate a compliment out of the blue? Or told him or her that you respect something they’re doing? Made him or her feel truly valued? No mater how confident someone seems to be, we all have insecurities and need praise and affection and when he or she doesn’t get it from you, they will probably find somewhere else to get it.

How to Win in Relationships

1. Develop your own identity before you get into a long-term relationship, and make sure that you keep it.

2. If you’re not happy, don’t blame your mate. Instead, do whatever is necessary to make yourself happy.

3. Give him his space and take yours. Each of you keeping your own interests and friends will keep the relationship more exciting.

4. Speak up and ask for what you want and be willing to negotiate fair deals, making the relationship win/win.

5. Make your mate feel loved, i.e., compliments, hugs and kisses, buying small things that make you think of him/her.

Winning in relationships is not that difficult if you stay focused on your own identity and happiness. You must also be willing to keep your heart in a loving place as you negotiate fair deals with your mate. Winning!!

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Breakthroughs

On Sunday night, March 27, I watched a fascinating psychological program on Dateline called “Breakthrough.” This program helps people with psychological problems have breakthroughs so they can move forward in their lives. They help addicts, as well as people who have suffered traumas, and people whose childhoods are holding them back from loving relationships. A young male was featured who didn’t know how to connect, love, or be loved. The program involves exercises in expressing anger, facing and ridding your self of guilt, pain, and humiliation from your past, self-esteem exercises, and writing letters to family members, as well as group camaraderie. This man and other members were able to change their lives in only a few weeks in this intense environment.

Although we know that addictions and traumas like sexual abuse can destroy or hinder our interpersonal relationships, we often don’t realize how much our somewhat normal childhood frustrations can keep us from having healthy relationships. It’s not about simply blaming our parents for what went wrong, but instead resolving the pain from those years. It’s only then that we can let go of it and not carry that pain and bad behavior into our love relationships. If our parents were never there for us (no matter what the reason), we may not trust that our mate will be there for us. If we had critical parents, we’re likely to choose a critical mate and keep the pattern going. With a controlling parent, we either become like that parent or live in fear playing victim to our mate like we did with that parent. We often live out the dysfunctions of our parents in some way when we don’t confront our childhood issues.

Many people think that we can just choose not to let our childhood issues affect us, but we can’t “think” our way out of them, they must be worked through. Change not only requires facing those issues, but also doing more than talking passively about them. It requires action—exercises like the ones I mentioned above. Once the breakthrough has happened, you no longer need the bad behaviors and defenses you play out in your present relationships. The “breakthrough” allows you to change and relate to others in a totally different way.

I offer the same therapeutic work shown in this program, but in private sessions that can be conducted over several months or handled in a more intense and fast way. I also step you through this program in my book Loving Him Without Losing You. It’s common for people to attach to their mate and give up their identity, which creates dependency. Then we transfer the dependency from our childhood to our mate, playing out those same old defense mechanisms that were necessary when we were children. The point to my book and this therapy program is that one must know themselves and resolve their childhood issues so that their identity will be strong enough to be in a relationship. I created the program when I had my own “breakthrough” years ago and worked through my childhood pain, and have been in a happy, healthy 23-year relationship with the man of my dreams since that time. Let me help you do the same.

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Mother-in-law Q&A

Q. Whenever there is an issue between my mother-in-law and me, my husband refuses to stand up for me. How do I get him to value our relationship more than the one with his mother?

A. It’s not about him needing to value your relationship more than the one with his mother. You need to make it clear that he needs to protect you from her. Tell him, “I feel upset when you don’t protect me from your mother. I want you to (& it’s your responsibility because it’s your mother) handle her, i.e. be the liason regarding our children, holidays, visits, etc. And I also want you to go back to her regarding our last fight and let her know that you back me up. Will you do that? If not, I will pull back and spend less time with your family.

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Client Letters

I wanted to let you know that my father finally caved after 1 ½ years of me setting and holding my boundaries. I never backed down and I made him look at what he said and did to me. We’ve wiped the slate clean and I feel so free on so many levels. Even my husband is starting to come around. I feel so relieved! I held on, and now I just need to shine some more brass balls in other areas of my life and I’ll be fine. I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you as a counselor. You helped me so much!!

~ M.T.

I just wanted to let you know that your advice is working. I stopped chasing my controlling husband. I stopped pouting and acting like a victim. I’ve started speaking up, and rejecting him back. I wanted you to be the first to know that he sent me a dozen long stem roses! Is that nice or what? Is he coming around you think? Is the rejection working? I’m thinking it is. Also, he wants to know what it is I want to do this weekend for my birthday! WOW! Thanks for your help! I WILL keep this up!!

~ J.C.

I wanted to tell you how much I appreciate all you’ve done for me in therapy. You’ve been exactly what I needed. I really appreciate it! I also think you’re a riot!

~ David in Denver

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How to Play the Dating Game

About Carolyn

Carolyn Bushong, L.P.C, is an expert on relationships and a licensed therapist. She is known for being one of the top relationship therapists in the country and the author of 3 relationship books. She has appeared on Oprah, the View, and many other TV shows, and she has been giving relationship advice on Denver radio for more than15 years. She has been helping people like you improve your life and relationships for more than 30 years. Cosmo, US Weekly and other magazines quote her expert relationship advice, and McCall’s named her one of the “Top 6 Passion Doctors” in the country. Carolyn Bushong always has fresh, up-to-date, hot information on topics that will inspire you and change your life and improve your relationships. She has clients all over the country, some who come into her office and others who receive Carolyn's expert advice through phone counseling. Carolyn Bushong is an excellent psychotherapist, but she also lives what she teaches, as she is in a happy, healthy relationship with Alan, her mate of 23 years.

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Phone Counseling is a great way to do therapy, especially for the really busy person who's constantly on the go, or the person who is shy or hesitant to talk about their problem, or when the weather is bad and you don't want to drive to a therapist's office. It just makes sense in this day and age to be able to call and discuss a problem and get advice on a situation with having to leave work and drive to my office.

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