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December 24, 2011 |
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Most of us will run into some sort of family situation during the
holidays – whether it’s having to see a family member we don’t get
along with, or feeling old rejection issues from the past, or some
family member refusing to participate with another one, or just
feeling bad for a down and out person we love. If there’s a conflict
in your family, the holidays might be a good time to try and fix it.
Life is too short to carry grudges for years. Even if you don’t have
all the answers or solutions to an issue, it might be a good time to
at least try and call a truce and make a pact to resolve the issue.
It’s especially important to do this when the issue is with your
mate. I have several couples I’m working with right now that seem
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Dear Carolyn, Testimonial - Dating Coaching
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Testimonial - Family Counseling
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Carolyn Bushong, L.P.C, is an expert on relationships and a licensed therapist. She is known for being one of the top relationship therapists in the country and the author of 3 relationship books. She has appeared on Oprah, the View, and many other TV shows, and she has been giving relationship advice on Denver radio for more than15 years. She has been helping people like you improve your life and relationships for more than 30 years. Cosmo, US Weekly and other magazines quote her expert relationship advice, and McCall’s named her one of the “Top 6 Passion Doctors” in the country. Carolyn Bushong always has fresh, up-to-date, hot information on topics that will inspire you and change your life and improve your relationships. She has clients all over the country, some who come into her office and others who receive Carolyn's expert advice through phone counseling. Carolyn Bushong is an excellent psychotherapist, but she also lives what she teaches, as she is in a happy, healthy relationship with Alan, her mate of 24 years. FOLLOW ME ON FACEBOOK as I post all of my articles there. How to get Carolyn Bushong's Relationship Advice:
Individual Counseling: l hour or ½hr sessions in office
or phone, Health Insurance covers a portion. Couples Counseling:
1 ½ hr. sessions, Health Ins. covers a portion. Phone Counseling is a great way to do therapy, especially for the really busy person who's constantly on the go, or the person who is shy or hesitant to talk about their problem, or when the weather is bad and you don't want to drive to a therapist's office. It just makes sense in this day and age to be able to call and discuss a problem and get advice on a situation with having to leave work and drive to my office. Email Advice: Visit Carolyn's website for more information. 303-333-1888
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to
have forgotten why they married each other in the first place. They
let silly things like their busy schedules or their children or
their in-laws pull them apart. More than ever in these hard times,
we need to keep the “you and me against the world” attitude. The
reason for many of these fights and resentments is that most people
(both male and female) feel overworked, overburdened, and
unappreciated. You probably feel this way. If you do, just realize
that you’re not the only one feeling this way. If you get stuck in
“poor me,” nothing will get resolved. Instead, ask your mate or
family member for what you want. Just telling them over and over how
you feel (i.e. whining), but not telling them what you want, just
drives them away because they just feel like they’re being
criticized. Tell him or her, “I would like you to …….” But since
it’s not just all about you, you may have to negotiate and give him
or her something they want as well of course. Show compassion and
appreciation (the two things you are wanting from them). After
asking for what you want, ask them what you can do to make their
life a little better and easier. Often it’s nothing more than a
little loving time together and a little gratitude for what they do.
Love, warmth, and gratitude are the best gifts you can give your
mate – at Christmas, or any time of the year!
Although I would never promote physical violence, I do
understand your frustration leading up to the slap. But what I’m
seeing here is clearly a communication problem between the two of
you. So last week, why didn’t you say to him, “Next week is my
birthday and I’d like you to take me to dinner”? When I ask this
question to women, they usually tell me, “Because I want it to be
HIS idea!” And I say, “Good luck with that!” Just because he doesn’t
come up with the idea doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t want to be
with you or doesn’t love you or whatever. It just means he didn’t
think ahead and can’t read your mind. I don’t mean this
disrespectfully to men, but most men need to be trained to treat you
the way you want to be treated. Even on the commitment issue, did
you let him know about your frustrations? A good talk would have
been much better than a slap. Many women feel that if they have to
TELL him what they want, it’s like chasing him, but it’s
actually just communicating with him. I would never suggest chasing,
but after two years with someone, it’s your obligation to let him
know what you expect from him that would show you commitment, i.e.
taking you out for your birthday, spending a certain amount of time
together each week, etc. Men (& women) will get away with whatever
you let them get away with. It sounds like he “got his cake and eat
it too” in that you were his girlfriend, but he could still act
single like there were no expectations. Men say some women are “high
maintenance,” but you sound like “low maintenance.” He probably
doesn’t even know what he did wrong. Once a man is in a
relationship, he will often be glad to do things that you want. It’s
just that it’s your job to let him know what that is. And if you let
him know what you want and he’s still not willing to come through
for you, then you know it’s time to end it.
Spending
time with family often helps us remember that we have unresolved
issues with them that still affect our lives today. My client Mary
knows that the fact that her dad was never emotionally available to
her growing up has caused her to unconsciously choose emotionally
unavailable men and be continually frustrated in her relationships.
She’s headed to her dad’s house, and I’ve assured her that
expressing her pain about her childhood to him and insisting that he
treat her differently now will break this pattern and free her up
for healthier relationships with men in the future.
